Monday, April 14, 2014

We love you, Angel Baby...

Well, it's been a minute since I last posted.  I have told myself to just write down my thoughts because this journey is mine for the taking and growing. 

The past few weeks have been a blessed disturbance.  The blessing is I was pregnant with a wonderful blessing.  The disturbance was after 6 weeks, I miscarried.  I felt such joy when we found out I was pregnant.  It's been a long 38 years to actually meet a wonderful man with whom I desired to continue to build a family with.  We have learned so much about healing, letting go, and growth.  So, it was such a wonderful day when we found out we were having a baby. 

What a blessing and amazing experience it is to grow "someone" inside of you.  I started to just shift my thoughts towards being selfless. I needed to care for myself like I have never cared before.  It wasn't just me, whom I had to think about now.  It is the most precious experience a woman can encounter. 

Unfortunately, we lost the little one after 6 short weeks.  I felt such a sense of sadness and loss.  It felt as though the carpet was pulled right out from my feet and swiftly knocked me hard on my bottom.  Just boom- gone!  I allowed myself to mourn, I still do.  I prayed for peace and comfort.  WOW, oh Wow! I received it like never before in my life. 

I went into the Dr on a Monday to ensure my body had released the pregnancy.  It was with great shock and sadness that there was still a sac and embryo still inside me.  I was utterly distraught.  How could this be?  I felt I had endured enough with just the loss of a baby and a dream come true.  It felt too much to bear.  So, I got back on my knees, I literally sobbed enough tears to shower a village.  Though I knew in my heart God had a plan, there was a reason, and who was I to question it.  So, I begged Him to please heal me.  To please take away the sac because I could not imagine having to carry it for another two weeks.  Thankfully, I felt the quiet still voice say call Dr. R's office and be seen.  I made an appointment for Tuesday, literally 24 hours after my first appointment.  I told her my story of events and was simply seeking advice to plan the least invasive procedure possible.  To my absolute amazement the Dr found no sac or embryo.  I was shocked to say the least.  I actually felt like she thought perhaps I had made it up.  However, if you know me, you know I get all my information because I wanted to be sure I was not just losing my mind (my ultrasounds). I had been healed in 24 hours with no bleeding and no cramps.  It was amazing.  It was God.  There simply is no other explanation.  It truly has helped me of "small" faith.  It has really helped solidify that all the hard work I have done in the past few years have been worth it.  God has truly healed me inside.  He really has never walked away from me, it was I who walked away.  I am NOT perfect.  I don't have all the answers, in fact, I feel I know so little.  It's not my place to judge anyone's walk on this earth.  It's only my privilege to share with those who choose to listen.  What I do know is that I was given a gift of The Light touching me.  No one can convince me otherwise.  Dr's have no answers except to say "power of prayer!" 

Where there is light, there cannot be dark. 

Thank you to all those who have reached out.  Prayed.  Sent flowers and food and cards.  Most of all thank you for your love and support.  We love you.   We have never felt more calm and content in the saddest of circumstances. 

We love you, Sarah Grace.  We can't wait to meet you one day our sweet Princess.

Thursday, January 23, 2014


Being still. 

I appreciate the quiet that surrounds me right now.

I am so thankful for each moment I am filled with life and Love.  What a blessing to be able to share it with those that are put on my journey and path. 

Today, I am blessed with time with my son.  Dinner and movies @ home.  Exactly where we want to be.

"If you don't love yourself, you will always be chasing people who don't love you, either." Mandy Hale